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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28073829">My Love for You And Everything in Between</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcoholism, Angst, Canon Divergent, Hurt, I'm so sorry I take my issues out on my comfort characters, M/M, don't mind me this is just a therapy session</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:54:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>729</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28073829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's fucked up behaviour in the aftermath of Cas' death.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester/Castiel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Love for You And Everything in Between</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Had another breakdown and wrote this. I'm so sorry for hurting Dean Winchester this much, I'm just projecting onto him.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>'No, no this can’t be happening, it’s impossible. That’s right, this is not happening, I’m just hallucinating. This was a freaking nightmare and any moment I’ll wake up in bed and Cas is still there and...'</p><p>Dean’s heart raced, beating loud and fast and almost jumping out of his chest. He was still sitting in the dungeon, frozen, in the same spot, even though minutes had passed since the empty had appeared and swallowed Cas and Billie.<br/>
Just now he registered how he heaved, his lungs trying to take in more and more air, because it wasn’t enough, it just wasn’t enough…<br/>
Dean tried to stand up, but his legs gave way under him, his back hitting the wall painfully. His head spun as he tried to comprehend what had just happened. They were chased down by Billie, Cas carrying him into the dungeon and warding the door. Backed up into a corner and with nowhere to go, Dean had to face the reality of his and Cas’ death. He remembered being angry and hopeless, the resentment and self loathing burning its way through his skin.<br/>
Then Cas had proposed something completely asinine. He had talked about a deal, a deal he made with the empty, and as Dean still processed this information, Cas had started…. something.<br/>
Dean shook his head and gripped a handful of hair, tugging on it in the hopes of waking up through self inflicted pain. It had worked before but this time there was no waking up in cold sweat, no bloody palms from digging his nails into them, no fading memories of a gruesome dream, tied up in hell, or seeing Sam die, or Cas or Jack or…<br/>
His phone rang and startled by the noise he pulled it out of his jacket hastily, nearly dropping it twice. ‘Sam’ read the display and Dean just stared at it. His breath became ragged again and he threw the phone to the floor, ignoring the ringing as it spun in front of him. He put his head in his hands and exhaled. A tiny, dark spot appeared on his jeans  and spread slowly, followed by more and more. His quiet sobbing echoed through the room and he almost couldn’t bear hearing himself like this.<br/>
Dean stayed like this for a while, he didn’t know how long but he couldn’t care less. Once his eyes dried up and he had nothing left but a sore throat and a swelled up face, Dean managed to stand up and walk out of the dungeon into his bedroom, mechanically, his mind empty and raging all at once. He slumped onto his mattress, opening his nightstand drawer and pulling out a bottle of Everclear. Grain alcohol wasn’t really his first choice, but this was his emergency stash for the worst of all cases. He unscrewed the bottle and took a large sip. It burned his throat but he couldn’t be bothered to care. He took another one and swung his legs over the bed frame, resting his back on the headboard and his head on the cold stonewall.<br/>
He kept thinking about Cas, his face in those final moments, open, honest, vulnerable…. loving. Dean slowly emptied about a fourth of the bottle, feeling dizzy and completely careless, as he stroked over his left shoulder, where Cas had left his handprint. Dean fought against closing his eyes and sinking into a half-passed out, half-dreaming state, reliving it again and again. Cas pulling him closer, Cas crying, Cas telling him that he loved him.<br/>
The bottle fell out of his hand and rolled from the bed on the floor where it shattered, spilling its contents over the rug, some clothes, partly soaking the bed frame and the sheets. Dean pulled his knees closer as he clung to his pillow. Words and incoherent sentences were spilling out of his mouth, indistinct for the most parts except for fragments.<br/>
Tears welled up in the corner of his eyes again, when Dean started to repeat a slurred confession. It came out as a whisper, though he meant to scream it. His mind wandered to Cas and the empty, the rage that was building up in him fading into deep sadness and exhaustion.</p><p>“I love you too, Cas. I love you, I love you, I…”, Dean mumbled, as he drifted into an unconscious state of mind.</p>
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